| Future Wrestling Alliance - June 3, 2000 - Palo Alto, PA |
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| Friday, June 02, 2000 | |||
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The Future Wrestling Alliance's evil commissioner had his plans thwarted once again by the FWA champion, the tag team title "freaked out", and the "King of the Indies" came back home for one night to wrestle twice as the Future Wrestling Alliance put on a card at the Citizens Fire Hall in Palo Alto, PA, on Saturday, June 3. Attendance estimated at 275-300. Evil FWA commissioner: DAN MORELAND. Physician in attendance: DR. GLEN FREE. Ring announcer: "CAROLINA JIM" TITUS. Timekeeper at the bell: BILL MILLER. Ring attendant: DONNIE BRASCO (who fortunately escaped unhurt from an auto accident earlier in the day). Referees for the evening: D. EDWARDS and PAUL TURNER. Taping the proceedings: GARY WALTER from Schuylkill County's own SMART MARK VIDEOS. Taking ringside pictures for the magazines: TIM WALKER. Taking ringside pictures for whatever he takes ringside pictures for: BERNIE DIEHL. Also in attendance: wrestlers RICH MYERS, 2-DOPE, and CHIP BOWMAN, as well as several trainees from Baltimore's BONEBREAKERS wrestling school (as the card features several Bonebreakers graduates). As JIM TITUS makes his preliminary announcements, referee D. EDWARDS makes it to ringside and the crowd goes wild, a fact that neither I nor D. (whom I ask later) can explain. MATCH 1: JAKE DANIELS & SABOTH vs. CHEF D.Z. GILLESPIE & THE CREMATOR in a grudge match. Daniels is commissioner Moreland's bodyguard, but the commish is not at ringside. Chef and Cremator get an early advantage with Irish whips and corner splashes. Saboth, already the object of "chia pet" chants from the crowd, can't overpower the 450-pound Chef and is bumped across the ring. Chef follows up with some knees to the stomach and a big splash before tagging to Cremator, who hits a clothesline and bolo punch that floors Saboth for a 2-count. Saboth manages a rompecojones that allows himself to get to his corner and tag Jake. Jake lands some punches and gets a 1-count after a reverse hip toss. Daniels gets consecutive 2-counts after a DDT and a splash. Then, Cremator retailiates with a clothesline and covers for a 2-count as Saboth must make the save. Cremator is then double-teamed as the ref is occupied with keeping Chef in the corner. Saboth delivers a side suplex and gets a 2-count before Cremator retaliates by powerslamming Saboth coming off the ropes and getting his own 2-count. The two then clothesline each other and fall to the mat. Cremator gets up first and tags to Chef, who does a sit-in (with Chef's dimensions, I wouldn't actually call it a senton); but rather than go for the pin right away, he takes his giant wooden fork and sticks it in Saboth (softly) to see if he's done. Convinced that Saboth is cooked, Chef whips him into a corner and splashes him. He misses a second splash, after which each man tags out. Cremator puts the noggin knocker on both opponents but then suffers some extreme scrotal pain at the expense of Jake's fist. Daniels then rebounds off the middle rope, hits the clothesline, and covers for the 3-count. DANIELS & SABOTH win in 10:22. After the match, I note across from me a screaming woman who is holding a 2-3 month-old infant in one arm while gesturing nastily to Saboth with her other arm. Local disk jockey R.C. comes to the ring to interview the returning RECKLESS YOUTH (chants of "welcome back!" from the crowd), who is in training with the WWF and has the weekend off from Memphis Championship Wrestling. Reckless, with a head of newly-grown-out curly hair, tells the fans that he will be debuting on "Raw" very soon. The interview is then interrupted by NICK BURKE, who tells Reckless that he is not welcome, that he has left the independent circuit, and demands that Reckless pass on his unofficial "King of the Independents" title to him. Reckless says "no way", and asks for the referee so that his match with Burke, scheduled for later in the evening, be moved up to now. MATCH 2: RECKLESS YOUTH vs. NICK BURKE. Reckless proves to be Nick's master when it comes to chain wrestling, getting an early near-fall. He also proves to be the master of the flying moves as he hits a top-rope huracanrana and then reverses Nick's attempt at a shoulder haul as he climbs up to the top turnbuckle and hits a bulldog. Crowd chants at Burke "Go home loser!" Nick then mounts his own varied offensive as he gets a 2-count after an atomic drop and knee lift. It's all Nick at this part of the nite, as he hits a peopnick's elbow and somersaults onto Youth's stomach. A sleeper does not get Reckless to submit. Nick yells "ddt", but the attempt is reversed and Reckless lands the ddt and then slams him. Reckless then tries a plancha, but Nick ducks; however, Reckless keeps himself on the ring apron and pushes Burke down, then hits a top-rope (not top turnbuckle, but top-rope) dropkick and gets a 2-count. Nick misses a moonsault and finds himself in the tree of woe, and, unfortunately, from that position, the target of a Youth baseball slide. Reckless gets another 2-count after hitting a spinning ddt off the middle turnbuckle. Burke blocks a German suplex attempt and hits a facebuster. He gets a 2-count after a top-rope knee drop and thrust slam. He stops to pose to the crowd and tauntingly covers Reckless with one foot but only gets a 2-count. Reckless recovers to hit a pile driver, does his own posing to the crowd, then hits a flying body press off the top turnbuckle for the pin. RECKLESS YOUTH gets the fall in 10:03. MATCH 3: MARSHAL LAW (with LOVE BUG) vs. ("Schuylkill County's own") HIGH VOLTAGE. Law, a 350-pounder, is taunted by chants of "Go home, fat boy", but uses his bulk to advantage as he throws around the 215-pound High Voltage. High manages to clothesline Law out of the ring (taking three clotheslines to do it); but Marshal lands on his feet. Voltage shows quick thinking, however, by plancha-ing onto Law and tossing him back into the ring. Voltage maintains the advantage over the big guy with a superkick and splash, getting a 1-count. Marshal comes back with some whips and body blocks, then distracts the ref so that manager Love Bug can pummel HV with a billy club. Marshal then gets 2-counts after a leg drop and sidewalk slam. He accuses the ref of counting two slow and gets schoolboyed from behind by Voltage, but it's only a 2-count. Crowd begins to chant "poppin fresh" at Law. High then tries to surprise Law with a stunner, but Marshal powers out and hits a tombstone pile driver. The big guy then tries a top-turnbuckle moonsault but misses his target. HV then goes after Love Bug, who has tried to interfere. Marshal, when recovered, joins the fray and the two are counted out. Match ends in a 9:27 double count out. MATCH 4: MAFIA (with "HOT SHOT" DREW LAZARIO) vs. LOW-KI. I had been impressed with what I had seen previously of Low Ki, and he seems to have added more of a martial-arts repertoire since I last saw him. Lazario shows the fans that he is on the cover of this month's "Ebony". Crowd, mistaking Lazario for the host of "Funniest Home Videos", inexplicably responds by chanting "Saget! Saget!", or something like that. Low-Ki starts early with a karate display that sends Mafia (one half of the "Hit Squad" tag team) and Lazario backtracking. There was a blind back-kick to Mafia's face that had to be seen to be believed. Low then planchas on to Mafia and karate kicks him out of the ring. He retrieves a table which just happens to have been under the ring and sets up Mafia; but this is interruped by the other "Hit Squad" member, MONSTA MACK, who has rushed to ringside to help his partner. With Monsta and Low brawling outside, Mafia throws a chair in the ring and then vaults off it over the ropes onto the two brawlers. Mafia puts Low back in the ring and gets a 2-count. The Hit Men bring the table into the ring and set it up in a corner. Mafia sets up Ki for a power bomb, but Ki blocks it and bites Mafia on the head. Mafia gets a 2-count after a power bomb. Low hits a karate kick off the rope; but Mafia then back drops him (mucho trajectory!). Lazario distracts the referee as both Hit Squad guys leap onto the prone Ki from opposite turnbuckles. Low recovers with a karate kick and covers for what seems to be eternity while the referee argues with Lazario and Mack. DON MONTOYA arrives on the scene to chase the two but himself winds up arguing with the ref. Monsta then makes it back to ringside and slams Low through the table. He then exchanges t-shirts with his similar-looking tag team partner and the ref, unable to see that it's the wrong man making the cover, counts the pin. MAFIA (really MONSTA MACK) with the pin in 13:21. After the match, Montoya comes to help Low up, but the two seem to be having some words. Montoya vows revenge in his later match with Monsta Mack, as the crowd chants "[Doo-doo word that rhymes with 'hit'] Squad!" Time of the intermission: 36:56. Stuff raffled off by JIM TITUS and THE LOVELY AMANDA. MATCH 5: MONSTA MACK (with "HOT SHOT" DREW LAZARIO) vs. DON MONTOYA. Don, who has dropped about 125 pounds, issues an array of hip tosses and drop kicks that sends Monsta to his manager's arms. Monsta comes back with ax-handles and kicks. Crowd starts those "Saget! Saget!" chants again. Don whips Mack into the corner and hits three running clotheslines, getting a 2-count. Likewise a 2-count after a somersault. Lazario distracts Montoya long enough for Don to be Pearl Harbored by a Monsta clothesline. The fans from Pennsylvania Dutch farm country then suggest to Lazario that he perhaps should take up gardening, as they start to yell out some garden chores he can do, chanting "Hoe! Mow! Hoe! Mow!" at Drew. Mack comes off the top rope with a head butt to the belly and gets a 2-count, as the crowd chants "Mon-toy-a! Mon-toy-a!" to rally their fallen hero. He throws Don out of the ring, where Lazario goes to work. When Don gets back in the ring, the two wrestlers exchange roll-ups and 2-counts. Finally getting that second wind, Montoya delivers a drop kick, savate kick and leg drop for 2-counts. Monsta power slams Don and gets a 2-count. Crowd chants at Monsta and Drew "You are [following an alternative lifestyle]!" Montoya hits a tornado ddt off the top turnbuckle and covers for a pin that is not counted because the ref is arguing with Lazario. Montoya finds a table underneath the ring and brings it out. While he is setting up Monsta to be tabled, MAFIA comes out, stomps Don and changes places with his partner. The ref again doesn't see the switch and makes the count, but Don kicks out at two. The Hit Squadders double-team Montoya until LOW-KI comes out and smashes Monsta through the table in full view of the referee, who calls for the disqualification. MONSTA MACK wins by dq in 13:24. Low and Don argue vehemently after the match, and both are challenged by Lazario and his men to a tag team match on the next FWA show (Sep 9), a combination tables/ladder match. Montoya and Low agree. Montoya calls the opponents "Fudgepackers", which sets me to wondering whether promoter MIKE BURNS will eventually bring in Luke and Butch so that we may have a Fudgepackers-Bushwhackers confrontation :) MATCH 6: A mixed tag-team match, "SODA POP" RONNIE ZUKKO & CANDIE vs. DINO DIVINE & COLLEEN. As the teams come to ring side, a group of panting 14-15-year-old males gets up from the seats to my right to line the runway. Meanwhile, a boy who must be no older than 7 yells out "I want to see some puppies!" Candie lures Dino into her corner where Ronnie can go to work on him. Dino retaliates with several hip tosses and a Death Valley driver, getting a 2-count as Candie makes the save. Those adolescents to my right are beginning to perspire. Dino hits a flying head scissors, and Ronnie runs to tag in Candie. Dino, at the crowd's libidinous urging, tags in Colleen, who acquits herself quite well. Colleen hits Candie with a hair haul, body slam and huracanrana. Candie tags to Ronnie, and it looks as if he will allow Colleen to tag to Dino; but Ronnie grabs Colleen's hair and prevents the tag. At this point the five panting, perspiring boys to my right have removed their shirts and are sitting there in their undershirts looking like junior-league Stanley Kowalskis. As Ronnie pummels Colleen, the crowd yells "Women beater!" and "Dirty Mexican" [huh?!?!]. Ronnie chokes Colleen on the ropes and then distracts the ref so that Candie can do the same. Ronnie then suplexes Colleen. Crowd chants "Col-leen! Col-leen!" Ronnie then misses a charge, and Colleen tags out. Unfortunately, the ref doesn't see the tag and orders Dino back out. Ronnie hits a power slam on Colleen but then misses a senton from the top turnbuckle, which allows Colleen to move away and finally make the tag. Dino cleans house. After atomic-dropping Ronnie, he gets rochambeaued (Ya happy, J.R., that I didn't use "rompecojones" again?) by Candie. Dino counters by hitting Candie with a belly-to-belly. As Ronnie looks at his fallen partner, he turns back only to be caught on the receiving end of a top-rope Colleen-canrana, after which he is pinned by Colleen. DINO and COLLEEN get the victory in 11:21. After the match, the adolescent contingent to my right puts their shirts back on. MATCH 7, a three-way elimination match for the tag team title: THE FAMILY OF FREAKS ("DOOMSDAY" DANNY ROSE & ADAM FLASH) vs. MARK "THE SHARK" SHRADER & (eventually) RECKLESS YOUTH (with GABI LEIGH) vs. champs THE SEX IDOLS (TOMMY IDOL & QENAAN CREED). The Sex Idols are introduced as having hailed from the Amish country towns of Intercourse, Bird in Hand and Blueball. Shark comes out with Gabi but without his usual tag team partner, fellow "Fin Twin" GREGORY "THE MARLIN" MARTIN. He announces what many of us already know, that Marty injured himself doing a baseball slide and will be out of action for at least a year. Shark says that Gabi will be his partner, as she is better than any of the four guys opposing them. The four then quickly gang up on Mark and Gabi, and security personnel have to take an injured Gabi to the back. Shrader is quadruple-teamed until RECKLESS YOUTH comes from the back to be his partner. ("Reckless Guppy"? Naaaaah., hmmm, "Lungless Youth"? Naaaaah. "Duane Gill"? Already taken. I give up [sigh]) Reckless immediately somersault planchas both Freaks onto the floor, then returns to the ring to be hit by Qenaan's spin kick. While the Freaks further weaken Shrader by dragging him to a corner of the arena and punching him, the Sex Idols double-team Reckless in the ring. Qennan gets a 2-count on Youth; but Reckless comes back and foils the Idols' double-clothesline attempt with a judo chop that has Idol and Creed crashing into each other. Adam comes back to the ring to throw Reckless out but is in turn attacked by Idol. Reckless gets a 2-count on Idol after a drop kick. Doomsday is still in the corner of the Arena pummeling Shark, by the way. Flash hits a running power bomb on Idol and covers, but Creed makes the save. Adam then covers Qennan for a 2-count, then throws him out of the ring. Danny returns to the ring with the woozy Shrader. The Freaks slam Shark face-first to the mat, then throw him out of the ring again. Adam and Qenaan find themselves in the ring with the other four brawling outside. Adam planchas from the top turnbuckle onto the four on the floor. Creed tries to do the same, but Reckless gets back to the ring to throw Qenaan off the turnbuckle. Doomer then moonsaults over the rope onto the four on the floor. Qenaan brings Mark to the ring but gets crotched on the turnbuckle while Adam crotches Idol on the ringpost outside. Shark hits a Frankensteiner on Qenaan and gets a 2-count. He then sets up Qenaan for a superplex; but Doomsday power bombs them *both* off the top turnbuckle. In the confusion in the ring, I look up and see Shrader covering Creed for the pin. The defending champs are eliminated at the 9:44 mark. Reckless comes in to drop kick Danny, then hitting him with a reverse karate kick, getting a 2-count as Adam and Mark continue to battle outside the ring. Doomsday then hits the Death Valley driver on Reckless and scores the pin. THE FAMILY OF FREAKS gets the tag belts with a pin in 11:26. MATCH 8: For the FWA heavyweight title: Champion "LIGHTNING" MIKE QUACKENBUSH vs. challenging FWA commissioner DAN MORELAND. Moreland comes out to the "No chance in hell" McMahon theme. Crowd chants "[Sphincter! Sphincter!"] at Dan, who announces that he has used his authority as commissioner to make this a no-disqualification match and vows revenge on Quack for having DDT'd him on the April 15 show. Quack is wearing a new, shinier leather (vinyl?) outfit with large red lightning bolts down each side. As the match starts and after Dan makes like Ralph Macchio in those karate movies, Quack offers Dan a free arm bar, and the commish's cojones get crushed in the process. Dan traps Quack in a corner and delivers Flair chops and karate kicks and chops; but every time Dan turns around to taunt the crowd, Quack lets the fans know he's just playing possum. More karate chops from Dan. Jackie Chan he ain't. Quack then throws Morelando across and out of the ring. Moreland looks toward the dressing room entrance, where he sees his charges JAKE DANIELS and SABOTH observing. He gestures them to come to the ring, but they stay back. Quack brings Dan back in, rips off Dan's shirt and undershirt, and throws him out again. Once again, Daniels and Saboth stay put. Quack hits a suplex, then uses Dan's head as a soccer ball. He then puts Dan in the tree of woe and pretends that Dan's groin area is the break pedal of a car that's gradually coming to a stop. Quack puts on a Boston crab, and finally, Saboth and Daniels come to Moreland's aid. They throw Quack out of the ring; but Quack escapes their clutches and leaps onto Moreland from the top rope and gets a 2-count. Jake and Saboth then pull referee Turner out of the ring, and the ref hits the floor with a thud. Jake and Sab double-chokeslam the champ, and Dan follows with what may be the most pathetic-looking "worm" ever attempted. He then covers for the pin, but the ref is still dazed outside the ring. Dan brings the ref back in, and then haughtily puts one foot on the prone Quack, which allows Quack to klck out of the cover. Saboth and Jake yell "Pin him!" Moreland then taunts the crowd rather than cover Quack. Saboth and Jake yell "Pin him!" Dan then covers but pulls Quack up at the 2-count as Saboth and Jake shake their heads. Dan whips Quack out of the ring, but Quack turns that momentum into a plancha that hits Daniels and Saboth. Dan takes out some powder; but Quack kicks it in his face. Quack hits a ddt and then gets the pin with an alligator clutch (thanks to TIM WALKER for the name). QUACKENBUSH retains the title in 12:43. FYI: Tim Walker informs me that the alligator clutch was a finishing maneuver that was invented many years ago by none other than MAE YOUNG. The FWA returns to Palo Alto on Saturday, September 9, with a 7:30 pm bell time.
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